The Only Time HR Cited “Being Better Than Management” As a Fireable Offense
It started with a toaster.
A golden one.
Engraved with the words: “Thanks for out-earning your boss, peasant.”
That’s when Gary from Procurement knew he’d screwed up.
See, Gary wasn’t supposed to be a legend. He was supposed to quietly refill toner cartridges and die of printer-related sadness like the rest of us. But Gary had a secret…
He was rich.
Not rich-rich. But “owns two NFTs of a duck playing chess” rich. Which in corporate terms means he had side hustle money, residual income, and the audacity to smile before 9 AM.
And that was unacceptable.
Because nothing threatens mediocre middle managers faster than an underpaid minion driving a better car than them.
The Pain: When HR Turns Into the FBI for Fun and Petty Reasons
The moment Gary posted a photo of his vacation in Bali – captioned “Passive income, baby!” – the office Slack exploded.
Brenda (HR): “Quick Q: Does anyone know what Gary’s ACTUAL job here is? 👀”
Dan (His Manager): “He’s… uh… toner logistics? Is that still a thing??”
Within hours, Brenda initiated what she called
Operation: Financial Humility.
They audited his timesheets.
They bugged his mouse for “inactivity periods.”
They even grilled him over lunch receipts. (“No one spends $73 on tacos alone unless they’re laundering bitcoin.”)
Gary, oblivious, just smiled and offered Brenda a free trial to his side hustle mentorship program.
That’s when things got violent.
The Myth: “As Long As You’re Good At Your Job, You’re Safe.”
Let’s bust that lie right now.
Corporate life isn’t about competence.
It’s about
compliance,
caffeine tolerance, and
how many buzzwords you can fit into a single Slack reply.
Gary? He didn’t fit in.
- He never joined the mandatory 8 a.m. “Sync About the Sync.”
- He refused to fake-laugh at Carl’s “Weekend Warrior” stories.
- And worst of all… he was happy.
Nothing scares a traditional boss more than an employee who doesn’t need the job.
Because if you don’t need them,
you can’t be guilt-tripped, gaslit, or bribed with casual Fridays and pizza coupons.
Gary was the corporate version of a rogue samurai – dangerous, smiling, wearing linen pants, and entirely self-funded.
So they did what any scared system would do.
They fired him.
The New Truth: You’re Not Fired for Failing. You’re Fired for Winning Too Loudly.
You think you’re safe because you hit KPIs?
Because you answer emails on the toilet?
Because you “go above and beyond”?
Nope.
Gary got canned for violating the unspoken rule of the cubicle kingdom:
“Thou shalt not make more money than thy manager, nor shalt thou appear too fulfilled, nor shalt thou own vacation photos from anywhere nicer than Branson, Missouri.”
In the land of mediocrity, the ambitious man is a heretic.
The Proof: The Termination Letter Was Written in Comic Sans
Here’s what the HR email said:
Subject: “Termination Due to Vibes Mismatch”
Dear Gary,
It has come to our attention that you are currently engaging in the following prohibited behaviors:
- Living your best life
- Exceeding the company’s emotional success quota
- Smiling too much before the second coffee break
- Maintaining an online side business selling… what is it again? “Invisible hats for imaginary cats”?
We are unable to continue this relationship, primarily because you’ve broken the golden rule:
Never, under any circumstance, flex on middle management.
Regards,
Brenda
(HR Witch Queen of Petty)
And you thought
quiet quitting was a problem? Try
flamboyant succeeding.
Gary’s real crime wasn’t fraud, theft, or HR violations.
It was swagger.
It was knowing that his Etsy store –
MeowMillionaireMerch.com – was doing $22K/month selling digital top hats for pretend cats… and being
proud of it.
The Plot Twist: The Entire Office Joined His Side Hustle – Except His Boss
One week after his glorious corporate ejection, Gary posted a Zoom link.
Title: “How to Monetize Your Obsession with Feline Fashion (Even If You’re Dead Inside)”
Eighty percent of the office signed up.
- The receptionist started an eBook called “101 Ways to Accessorize Your Pet Rock”
- Kyle in IT became an OnlyFans success by unboxing used Ethernet cables shirtless
- Even Brenda from HR started selling passive-aggressive affirmation stickers like:
“You’re not toxic, they’re just allergic to boundaries.”
Meanwhile, Gary’s ex-boss Dan?
He tried launching a coaching business called “Reclaim Your 9-to-5 Alpha Energy.”
He sold three copies.
All to his mom.
Step-by-Step: How to Get Fired and Turn It Into Fame, Fortune & Feral Fame
This is the only career roadmap you’ll ever need if:
- You’ve got a flair for passive income
- Your coworkers think your side hustle is a cult
- You enjoy the occasional HR investigation
STEP 1: Start a Niche So Weird It Becomes Cool
Think Gary picked cat hats because he loves cats?
Nah. He picked it because no one else was dumb enough to.
Find something absurd and own it like it’s crypto in 2011.
Pro Tip: The weirder your niche, the harder it is for corporate drones to copy you without looking like they’re having a breakdown.
STEP 2: “Accidentally” Let Your Boss Find Out
Nothing triggers upper management like seeing you:
- Buy lunch from anywhere fancier than 7-Eleven
- Refer to Slack as “my side hustle notification hub”
- Get more engagement on LinkedIn than the entire marketing department
Gary once asked to move his 1-on-1 because he was “filming content for his elite catpreneurship course.”
That did it.
STEP 3: Become the Villain in Their Office Fanfiction
Once the rumors start (“Gary’s laundering NFTs through Etsy!”), let them run wild.
Don’t deny. Don’t explain.
Just smile mysteriously and say, “I’m diversifying my energy streams.”
Even if no one knows what that means… especially if no one knows what that means.
STEP 4: Get Fired Dramatically
Gary didn’t just get fired.
He arrived to his termination meeting in a gold robe and aviators.
His final words?
“It’s been real. But not real profitable.”
Mic. Drop.
Security walked him out. He handed them both gift cards to MeowMillionaireMerch. They cried.
STEP 5: Monetize the Chaos
The secret? Turn your firing into content.
- Gary turned his termination letter into a $19 eBook: “Unemployed & Unbothered”
- He trademarked the phrase “Too Successful for This Cubicle”
- He now sells T-shirts that say, “Fired But Funded”
And guess who’s buying?
His ex-colleagues. Even Dan. Especially Dan.
The Emotional Truth: You Were Never Meant to Shrink to Fit
Gary didn’t start a side hustle because he hated his job.
He started it because his
soul was allergic to mediocrity.
He couldn’t sit in beige rooms talking about toner and Q4 forecasts while his brain screamed,
“This can’t be it. This CANNOT be the big prize at the end of 16 years of school and six online courses about spreadsheets.”
He wanted more.
Not just more money.
More
freedom.
More
meaning.
More ways to say “screw you” without using actual profanity.
And when the system said, “Hey! Stay in your lane!” – he built his own lane, paved it in cat glitter, and made six figures from traffic.
Maybe you’re Gary.
Or maybe you’re sitting in your chair right now thinking:
“Damn. I’d get fired in a heartbeat if they knew what I was really working on.”
Good.
That means you’re onto something.
The CTA: Get Fired On Your Terms
Here’s your next move, legend:
Stop hiding your ambition like it’s a rash.
Build it out loud.
Laugh while you do it.
Make money in the dumbest, most glorious ways possible.
Get so rich from your side gig that your boss starts sending you passive-aggressive LinkedIn messages like “We should catch up.”
Here’s what you do:
👉 Step 1: Write down the dumbest idea you’re afraid might work
👉 Step 2: Sell it to five people this week (yes, THIS WEEK)
👉 Step 3: Screenshot the payment. Set it as your phone wallpaper.
👉 Step 4: If you get fired for it? Email me. We’ll co-author your eBook.
Life’s too short to beg for promotions from people who laminate their lunch schedules.
Be the Gary.
Get fired for flexing too hard.
And then send your ex-boss a mug that says:
“Thanks for the push. You built a monster.”
